


ring a ding baby ring a bell (light a candle, open that book)

by oncewewerezombies



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 90s Slang, 90s-stuck, Alternate Universe - Demons, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Demon Sex, Demon Summoning, Enthusiastic Consent, F/M, Love Bites, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Tentabulges, YOLO, arcane contracts, internet friends are best friends, polyamorous best friend support group
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 14:28:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14696112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncewewerezombies/pseuds/oncewewerezombies
Summary: Take one boring Friday night, one box of chalk and a geometry set.Take two parts The Craft, add one part Practical Magic and sprinkle with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.Put in blender with ice, tequila and two drops of blood, then hit puree for one Guaranteed Horrorterror Emissary Bootycall.Garnish with a cherry and settle in for the ride.





	ring a ding baby ring a bell (light a candle, open that book)

"Holy shit," Roxy enunciated clearly as the intricately drawn pentagram inside a circle and a whole bunch of chalked on sigils didn't do anything like what she'd thought it would. The scent of decaying seaweed and salt was pretty unexpected too. Instead of a whole bunch of nothing - precisely what she expected for some shit she'd based on the internet and a million rewatchings of The Craft and Practical Magic - she'd gotten blue-tinged violet sparks and the smell of dying oceans. And a figure. Crouching in the centre of the circle, something like the Creature of the Black Lagoon, something like a lion fish, something like a Calvin Klein model and a whole lot of it like HOT DAMN.

So screw her, she'd always been a little weird.

Also like hell yes _screw her_ , because the figure unfurling in the centre of her exquisitely angled and drawn out chalk drawings had shoulders like Adonis and a face that was both handsome and more than a little unsettling. Also he had horns, her brain helpfully supplied. (And gills!) (And fins!) His skin was an inhuman grey, and he drew himself up like he motherfucking owned the ground she'd called him to and only found it barely adequate to make his stand on.

 _Sploosh_ was the only word adequate to describe the effect he was currently having on Roxy's panties. Like oh em gee, oh em eff gee! Oh my GAWD. That was some nice looking muscle right there, for sure. Her libido had never been shy about sitting up and waving its hand when it saw something it wanted, something that made her insides and down lows go ooooh and purr like a very well pampered cat at the prospect of cream. Probably a better metaphor than she wanted it to be, since cream actually wasn't very good for cats - like, at all - and she had no doubt that the monster sitting in her living room was very very bad for her. Very bad. Possibly lethally.

"Ah - hi?" she ventured, and waved a hand slightly like the most sincere kind of princess, smiling nervously and trying not to seem too threatening. Although like hahaha oh sweet baby jesus on a fucking cracker, like she could be that threatening to this muscle and fang toting thing she'd summoned from where. Where? R'yleth, maybe. Innsmouth Harbour. Except she was pretty sure the Ancient Ones weren't this fucking pretty. Oh man, was it impolite to be like yo my bad, I didn't really mean to call you up but now I have, do you wanna bone? Girl be muy thirsty over here.

The sound he made in response to her greeting wasn't anything close to human and Roxy hiccuped, pretty sure she felt her eyes bleeding as the discordant syllables meant for sensory organs that didn't have the frailties of a human body hit her like a tidal wave. She fell forward, putting her hands down on the floor and puked something out of her mouth between her stretched out fingers. 

Didn't look like anything she'd ever vomited out before, although it was a little reminiscent of the fateful night she'd spent pounding shots of Sambucca Black. Didn't taste like aniseed though. Tasted festering and wrong, like dying stars, and Roxy coughed, bringing another gob of it out of somewhere in her throat and spitting it onto the ground. Bleaugh. If this was a void hangover, no fucking thanks. She'd stick to vodka.

There was a moment of surprised silence from her bullshit circle, only broken by her gagging.

"Ngh..."

A rustle, and she looked up once she'd finished retching, mouth open and void-stained drool slipping from her mouth as her stomach continued to churn. The dude-shaped thing she'd conjured from the Outer Reaches looked concerned - or had managed to shape his facial features into an expression she recognised as 'concern (good enough) - and had one hand pressed palm out against the air. Like there was actually a wall between her and him, as though she'd managed to get more right on the summoning circle than just what she'd thought at first. Managed to put a barrier between the two of them. Huh. Score up another notch for The Craft on its realistic explanations of witchery. Sorcery. What the fuck ever-ry, what was she meant to do with an eldritch speaking fish-insect man in the middle of her living room? Boy, was her mom gonna kill her when she got home, if she didn't clean all this up before then. Like, she'd be toast! Well fucking done toast. Crispified.

"...my apologies, most sincere..." The voice this time is a low rumble with this odd kind of twangy-chirr that makes Roxy think of summer, of cicadas and long sweltering hot nights. It doesn't make void start boiling in her insides, body revolting against the sudden injection of the eldritch. It does kinda stoke that down low burn in her body and she comes closer to the circle, sitting up and getting to her feet to stand closer to him where she's trapped him. Seriously, how does a being she'd summoned from the Courts of the Outer Circle have a fucking _British accent?_ Shit be straight tripping, yo. That was some weird ass concordancy.

Oh good lord, the things it was doing to her panties tho.

"To harm a maiden who has done the favour of bringing me forth here was the least of my intent." Boy, did he have a smooth tongue on him. Roxy watched him, licking her lips occasionally and tasting the plastic of her black lipstick as he gestured with his hands. It reminded her of swimming. Of fish, and seaweed. Fluid. "I thought...that you were more experienced."

Roxy let out a nervous giggle, and flapped a hand at him. He's got this smile that's real _hungry_ and the handle of vodka she'd downed before trying this shit said it was the good kind of hungry. Not like he's gonna eat her, bones and insides and skin and all, oh my, but more like. Well. Fuck. She's pretty sure if she says what's on her mind, he'd be dee tee eff. Oh well! She guessed there was no time like the present to try it. Roxy was a very experimental kind of person. When you really got down to the bones of a matter.

"Mebbe in witchcraft I'm not so experienced - but I'm experienced in all kindsa other stuff, handsome," she said, and stretched. Well, it was more like _stretched_. His eyes followed her like the boys in her gym class when she inhaled deeply - and a few of teh ladiez, something she approved of just as much, Roxy didn't discriminate - and she felt a smug sense of approval. Oh yeah, Roxy definitely had _It_. All of the It. Every single bit of It. Even creatures from the Furthest Ring of Outer Existence still felt the lure of her appeal. What was not to appeal, after all? She was a young and nubile maiden, with blond locks (with hot pink tips!), and a nice mouth, nice bod with some serious curves. Apparently it was still a look that resonated with an eldritch creature, not just the emo-chasing jocks of her high school who thought girls who wore black lipstick and dyed their hair unnatural colours were both a) kinky and b) easy. Wrongo bongo, boyos.

Roxy might've been easy in some senses of the word but there was another thing she was, and that was fucking _discriminating_.

"So what happens if I like, smuuuudge the edge of that circle a lil?" she asked, all curious and innocent-like. As though fucking butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Like she wasn't wondering what kind of package 'xactly a dude from the Furthest Reaches could be packing in those very tight, obviously Evil® leather pants. He wasn't no David Boreneaz - he was fucking _better_ , because when she put her finger to the corner of her mouth and faked a pout, he took one step forward. Her picture of Angel had never fucking done that. Whoo baby. "You gonna play nice, or I'm gonna winds up all kinda regretful in the morn?"

"I could offer a promise of my sworn word that you'll come to no harm while I'm free," he offered in a silky voice and Roxy grinned. Jack fucking pot. Soon as she put her own limitations on that promise of course. Maybe she was inexperienced, but she wasn't _dumb_. And really, this was just like writing a program. Just gotta code it right so it wouldn't fuck up and bug out on her. If she gets it wrong, she could bring about the heat death of the universe in her quest for tail - no big, right? No pressure.

"No harm to be caused to me by you or what you bring here accidentally or on purpose, or harm accidental or otherwise to any other being in this plane of existence unless asked for - physical, spiritual or mental," she sing-songed, and he got a face on him like a slapped pail of hogwash as she started to set down the rules. Oooh, did someone expect to be given free reign? No fuck no, bucko. It's not like she hasn't read more than a few paranormal romances. And some classic myths besides. Letting a being like him free without any rein on his collar was a bad bad BAD fucking idea; for her, and everybody else. "To be confined to the physical limitations of this house as defined by the United States Government of this time and place and plane, not to go above into the aether or below into the earth, to stay within my _physical_ eyesight at all times, and to take yourself and all physical and spiritual traces of yourself along with anything else you bring with you whether by accident or on purpose, back to the Furthest Ring at dawn." Hmmm. Was that it? Roxy couldn't think of anything else, and she shrugged. If she'd forgotten something, she was fucked but she was pretty sure she'd covered the major bases. "Do you swear by your name, your inner most self, even by the names I haven't said to bring you here, to abide by the conditions that I set if I let you free from my circle?"

Oh look at that roiling thunderstorm of an expression. To help him make up his mind, Roxy helpfully took her shirt off and breathed deeply, knowing exactly how that effected the state of being that constituted her tits. She had some nice ones, no reason not to show them off. Make sure he realised exactly what he was giving up if he went back to the Furthest Reaches of the Universe in a sulk, without getting his mack on.

"...I do so swear," he said begrudgingly, and Roxy pursed her lips at him, both of them staring at each other - before he laughed. It was a laugh that shivered through her bones, deep and masculine and very very amused, even though he obviously didn't want to be. More like a 'well played' to an opponent he hadn't thought could best him in the smallest, littlest part than actual amusement. A sort of glimmer of respect, where he hadn't thought any was earned. Really, it was just like writing a program - if this then no, if that then yes. "So, my clever lady, will you let me loose?"

Mm, clever? She liked that. Liked it a lot better than a few other things he could have said, like pretty or lovely. Bonus surprise brownies points to the handsome sea monster from the greater beyond.

"Swear by your name and your inner names and everything in you that you'll keep to the terms of my contract and I will totes smudge up a line of that circle that took me an hour to draw, bucko," Roxy said and he nodded irritably. Watching her hands as she dragged her fingers over and around her breasts. Oh boy, she was gonna have some fucking fun. Walking in the morning might be a fond thought, instead of a memory. That boy, he definitely had the look of Cassius about him - _lean and fucking hungry_. It's the bit of danger about the whole thing that makes it even more satisfying.

"I swear by my name, my inner names, my very whole of being, that I will abide by your conditions," he purred, and before she could think about it too much harder, Roxy extended her socked foot and smeared a whole line of chalk and a bunch of little symbols. He didn't jump out of the circle, more like flowed. Roxy was more than willing to receive him, while the scent of oceans surrounded her. He dropped to his knees between her legs, hands gripping at her upper arms and Roxy grinned, showing her teeth.

He smiled back and holy shitting fuck, he just reminded her of how many more teeth he had than she did.

The kiss wound up being pretty fucking complicated and Roxy let him drive it because hey, they're his fucking teeth. Fangs, more like. Sharp nasty pointy bitey teeth - but they felt pretty good as he raked them over her lip, nibbling, while he pulled her up closer to her and ladies, she was more than happy to go. Just like it was Jesus and the fucking Rapture or some shit, and she some kind of milquetoast DAR instead of the fine ass anarchosocialist lady that she was but this was way sexier and kind of more eldritch than the risen Son of God. She was pretty sure at least, her and actual organised religion had a nodding acquaintance at the best of times. This kind of shit? Somehow it just worked for her, even if she didn't believe it like at all. Even when it worked. Maybe especially when it worked.

The dude kissing her face and sliding hands over her skin, her arms, her back, was anything less than apocryphal though. He was real and present and _right here_ , as she sank fingers into the dense, scratchy mane of hair that was somehow still slick between her fingers, touched the lightening bolt horns. They're roughly textured under her fingertips, and she giggled out loud as he lifted her up onto the couch behind her. Somewhere in the cushions, something crackled - probably a Doritos packet. Hopefully without any Doritos in it to be squashed under her magnificent ass. Thankfully, he didn't actually _taste_ like fish, even if all she could smell was salt and sea. 

Lifting her hips, her sweatpants got skinned off real quick as his mouth landed somewhere on her chest between her breasts. Cool tongue lapping at her skin, and Roxy mentally shrugged off the fact that she'd summoned a demon of the netherworld while wearing her fat pants. Her hair was kind of riotous too, but at least she'd showered yesterday. It didn't seem like her mild funk was putting him off getting his hands all over her, his mouth on her lips, her throat, her breasts, sharp fangs pressing at her nipple as he sucked. She wondered if he'd learned that from some early something something a few centuries or more ago, since she was pretty sure there weren't nothing _mammal_ about how he was put together. 

Shirt gone, pants disapparated, panties non-existent and bra never around in the first place, Roxy's nudity was much easier to come by than that of her eldritch paramour. She tried not to laugh _too_ fucking visibly as he stood up to pull down the skintight wetlook leather he had tight around his ass and thighs. A girl couldn't lie, it looked fucking FAB U LOUS but c'mon now, it wasn't the most fucking efficient of clothing choices. But boy FUCKING howdy, what he unleashed from those tight leather pants was enough to have a grrl think about sharpening up a knife for Nrub'yiglith. 

It was a fucking tentacle.

It had fucking suckers on it from the look of things and as unhealthy as that might have sounded, Roxy wanted that slick thing right up in her pussy stat.

After all, he had to have done this before, right? He wouldn't be so eager to get on with this, he couldn't kiss the way he did, couldn't reach down to finger her so skillfully with those too cool digits if he didn't know how to deal with human cunt. He had to know whether the tentacock he was sporting was ok to put in. She paused for a moment, pushing the ball of her foot against his shoulder to keep him back for a moment, and he let out a low snarl that reverberated all the way down to her lizard brain. Danger, Will Robinson! Sexy, sexy danger.

"You gotta know, dude my man, I classify pregnancy or any kinda egg implantation as harm," Roxy said as firm as she could manage, considering the tip of his tentadick was flicking her clit and making the muscles in her thighs twitch. It wasn't like he'd slicked on any kind of condom, you know? Did the Outer Reaches even have condoms? Practice some kinda safe sex? She didn't want to be any kinda incubator, she wasn't sure she was cut out to be a mom. He looked taken aback for a moment, before laughing that big, almost homey laugh with all its sussurations and leaning down to kiss her again as his hands stroked her arms, down to her breasts to heft them in his palms. Kissed her throat, to her ear making her shiver and her knees weak. Letting him press forward more, until the cool tip of him was writhing right against the lips of her pussy in ways no actual human tongue could manage or dick could match. 

"I hear you." His breath coasted over her collarbone and Roxy shuddered. Now this? This was the SHIT, fuck all those boys who were just one and done. If you wanted something done right (ie YOU) obviously the answer was to call in a who knew what the fuck from the Outer Rings - someone with some experience. Usually Roxy took way more of a lead - but this felt like what she needed right now. Being pampered and adored, almost worshipped with each smooth touch of his hands, even with the odd rasp of those scales and the feel of the webbing between his long, double-jointed fingers. They'd felt real nice when he'd had them in her pussy though, and they felt pretty fucking good right now being used to caress other sensitive parts of her body. Parts he seemed to find like someone had given him a fucking map. "It won't be something you need to worry about." Fangs closed on her bottom lip, tugging and Roxy moaned, hitched her hips up as he hooked her knees over his shoulders and the look in those ambient yellow eyes, sickly and egg-yolk looking, said he was ready to nail her back into the couch for sure. Some things were still the same, Outer Ring or Earth or whateva.

"Better not be, broseidon, or Imma be pissed," she muttered, and hooked her heels into his shoulderblades, pulling him forward. Feeling the fin running down his spine twitch as her toes curled. His skin felt rough, even against the backs of her heels. Vaguely reptilian but with little edges at the corner of each scale, instead of the smooth interlocking silkiness of an actual terrestrial reptile. "Come on already, get in here, girl feels like she's gonna die waiting on you to make a move - _nnnngh!_ "

He got in there alright.

Roxy's back arched and she shouted out a very loud 'GOD DAMN!' because holy shit, that felt good. It was nothing like any dick she'd ever rode, and absolutely nothing like any toy either. It was cold and squirming and felt like it was touching absolutely every single fucking pleasurable place inside her body. The sound coming out of him was mostly a groan, but it was underscored with a snarl, rippling right down her spine. The claws tipping his fingers dug into her skin, but only enough to leave welts. Not enough to bleed. Roxy laughed, unable to stop herself and encouraged him to move with a shift of her hips. The feel of him taking her up on it has her squirming with pure delight, feeling the base of the thick tentacle stretch out the entrance to her pussy, the way the whole thing was just crammed up in there and moving all the damn time. Never stopped moving.

When did her life become a god damn hentai? Oh well, maybe when she decided to summon a fucking demon. Literally, even though she hadn't really been aiming for an incubus. Maybe just someone to talk to. It hadn't been her fault that the demon that had shown up had been so fine. And fuck, it felt so good to have him inside her, over her. She'd love to see his face if she rode him, love to see his face if she got her mouth all around that squirming piece of meat (if it didn't taste too bad, she reserved the right to pull off if it tasted gross), so maybe she could do that next. She'd told him he didn't have to leave until dawn.

They had a while before then. Plenty of time. She was pretty sure that they could fit in some of her filthy fucking fantasies right here on her living room floor before he had to disappear back to the Furthest Ring. Roxy was also kinda wondering when she could phone in her next long long LONG distance booty call, but that was a worry for another empty Friday night with no date and nobody on this planet worth calling up to tap dat booty. Something to consider, for when life was giving her the shittiest of rolls and all she wanted was one good roll in the hay. Or the nearest abyssal approximation. Anyway, right now, she had a dude - uhhh, well usually she'd say ballsdeep in her pussy, but she couldn't actually remember _seeing_ any sort of sack when he took his pants down and honestly - she approved, she did. Another point for the fish man - no unsightly dangling testicles. Much better aesthetically all fucking round thank you please. She'd take another any time.

Roxy made sure her fingers stayed tangled in the weird rough-silky hair he had, such a long Fabio mane even if it wasn't pure shimmering sunlight gold, pulling his mouth to hers as she tried to make her hips undulate to match his. Pretty sure she had the wrong sort of set to her pelvic muscles to manage it, but she did her very very best. He seemed appreciative of her efforts, from the way he increased his tempo and the slick wriggle of his alien genitalia inside her. Reaching down between them, she rubbed at her clit, feeling herself getting closer and closer to cumming until the tight feeling released in a wave of pleasure through her whole body, her hold on his shoulders releasing as her legs shook and went weak. Oh geezum criminy fuck. 

He pulled her up and onto him so she was sitting in his lap, strong hands catching her under her thighs. It gave a whole new sort of pressure inside her and Roxy raked her nails across his shoulders, hearing him grunt. Hey, she hadn't said she wasn't gonna do him any harm now, had she? No the fuck she thought not. 

"Oh fuck yes," Roxy yelped, and let him help her reach a new sort of rhythm while she sank her nails into his back and made sure to move her ass in the rhythm that he was urging. Hey, she'd come once, and she was interested in keeping things sort of fair. From the way he was moaning into her throat, she was pretty sure that he was enjoying himself too. "So does this - uh! - happen often?"

"Does what happen?" Oh lord, that voice. It just did things to her bits. Roxy snorted in his ear, before leaning back a bit for some better leverage to hump back down onto his tentadick with great and youthful vigor. God, it was such an upgrade. How was she meant to be content with what was down on the farm now? There was better dick out there, and it was drifting in the Outer Rings of the Universe, populating the courts of the Great Old Ones.

"You know! This! Oh fuck!" She keened as his mouth found one of her nipples, sucking on it and feeling fangs press against the round of her tit. Fuck damn! Seriously, seriously ruined for human boys. Why, the stamina alone.. Roxy's internal monologue descended into internal obscenity, which quickly became verbal obscenity. So damn fucking good! And she was glad she had superduper laid out her contract with him to as air tight as she could manage. Because she felt like he coulda talked into a whooooole fuckload of things if he'd tried now. 

"Ravishing demoiselles who summon me on...hmm, why did you summon me?"

"Funsies!" Roxy panted, feeling herself getting closer and closer to a second orgasm. And he just didn't seem to be slowing down. Her pussy was going to have the workout of a century - maybe her mouth too. She was getting kinda curious about how much of it she could take down her throat, since it was so squirmy and prehensile. 

"For...mmph." He made a sound in her ear that rung like the nonexistent clapper of an empty bell in the spaces of her mind, and Roxy made a gurgling noise. Didn't hurt, just felt weird as fuuuuuck. "Not - hah - often, but it does happen." His tone turned somewhat puzzled, as he went on to his next statement. Still fucking her like a champion. "But not for -nn- what did you say? Funsies?" He sounded like a college professor trying out slang for the first time and finding it vaguely distasteful. But he also sounded like a man who was about to cum.

Roxy was pretty sure she wanted to see what the fuck that was like.

"Don't fret on it, boo," she assured him, feeling the tentadicktcle in her pussy pick up things double time, while all his fins and things seemed to stand on end. She kissed him deeply, raking her nails down his back again since that seemed to get her a good response and his mouth looked like it could use some kissing. Full body shudder and a growled groan, along with renewed vigorous action. Yeah, she was pretty sure she was hitting the spot for the sort of fishy sort of hideous terror stud from the depths of outer space. "If this ends well, I'll be hittin' you up for a booty call pretty soon, dude."

"What a brave new world this is," he murmured into her ear, and his hand found her clit. Finger pressing on it in rapid quick circles until her back arched, feeling her brain getting ready to surf that dopamine hit. "With such creatures in it."

And bam, there we go. Roxy shouted as he pushed her off the edge of orgasm, and felt something cold and wet fill her up. Something about it made her hips twitch, and she couldn't stop squirming in his lap, letting out a few fuck dumb sounds she would have challenged anybody else not to make. He made a few of is own. Least that's what she was pretty sure they were, kind of clicky-chirpy. Like a dolphin that fucked a cicada. Leaning against him, she kissed that stern looking jaw and drew her finger over his chest (no nipples, weirrrrrd).

"Lemme know when you're ready for the next round, studly."

If she was gonna summon a demon, Roxy was going to make sure she got the most out of all those eyebending bleeding symbols she'd drawn on the floor. And then some.

 

 

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] 

TG: janey ajanejaneyface  
TG: u are NEVER gonna guess what i did this wknd  
GG: I'm on tenterhooks, Roxy. What sort of thrilling adventures did you get up to?  
TG: so liek did u watch the craft like i told u 2? i kno it was on the tee vee the other night.  
GG: Roxy, you know that's not really to my taste. I don't watch many movies as it is.  
GG: And I'd much rather watch something with Humphrey Bogart in it; modern movies just aren't a patch as far as I'm concerned.  
TG: ugh janey  
TG: u need to move your recreationalil habbits outta the 20s  
GG: I'll have you know that the Maltese Falcon was released in 1941, Ms Smartie Pants!  
TG: yawn yawn still old as ballz  
TG: y don't u watch somethin produced this decade liek clueless  
TG: god that movie is trash bt i luv it so  
TG: NEWAY  
TG: to return to the pint  
TG: *point  
TG: guess what iiiiiii did on the weekend  
GG: I'm almost afraid to ask! Considering the movie you're asking if I watched or not.  
GG: What exact kind of shenanigans have you been up to, miss Lalonde? What nefarious buffoonery?  
TG: *winkitywonk*  
TG: ohohohohhoho  
TG: u can't see me rn but i;m holdin my fingers up to my mouth and ohohohoing behind em  
GG: Land's sake, Rox!  
GG: Spit it out already.  
TG: u ready?  
GG: You bet your tookus I am!  
TG: rlly ready??????  
GG: YES!  
TG: i summoned a demon an boy howdy u gotta try one hunnee  
TG: they got a dick like WHOA  
GG: You fucking what!  
TG: banged a demon  
TG: bow chicka wow wow WOW  
TG: i should find out how to say that in abyssal, i bet he'd think it was funny  
GG: ROXY.  
GG: That kind of thing just isn't safe!  
GG: ...or possible. Are you pulling my leg?  
TG: uh negatory my good janey m'good woman  
TG: i got pics  
TG: some a liiiitle en ess eff double w u kno what i mean? u don't want ur dad seeing em, the poor innocent man  
TG: if i send em through can u keep your connection on for a few hours? or u close to ur dl limit?  
GG: I know Dad won't like it if I tie up the computer all night, and especially not if I tie up the phone line for as long as I think it's going to take!  
GG: Could you post a floppy disk or a CD?  
TG: i think so?  
TG: ugh jane that's so prehistoric tho  
GG: Hoohoohoo! Well, I already know you think I live in the Stone Age, so you'll just have to rewind your timepiece a little for me, madame Lalonde. Not all of us can have guardians who prioritise electronic gadgetry over baked goods.  
GG: This computer can just about handle Pesterchum at its most basic! And I hate to think how long the pictures could take on this connection to this computer.  
GG: I'm assuming you took quite a few?  
TG: gurl i took all the pictures  
TG: okie pokie spokey, i'll find a physical way to get thsi pics to u gfd  
TG: ur killin me janey killin me  
GG: I doubt that very much! If you can wrangle a literal physical manifestation of evil into being a decent date, I think you can manage to brave the perils of the post office.  
TG: ugh jane  
TG: UGH x infinity squared  
TG: u kno im allergic to beaucuaorcacy  
TG: *beaucracy  
TG: **THE MAN  
GG: Got away from you a little there?  
TG: shoosh dont draw attn to it u just encourage it  
GG: As sad as it is, I suppose I'll just have to rely on the relentless nature of the United States Postal Service so I can view these nefarious photographs. I will be awaiting on tenterhooks until they arrive.  
GG: Also my dad needs to make a call, so I think I will have to love you and leave you.  
TG: hi janeys hot dad!!!!  
GG: Roxy, don't! Oh my gosh.  
GG: What if he'd seen that! I covered the screen just in time, so I hope you're done with that!  
TG: uuuuhmmm...mebbe if he had seen it i could be talkin my way n2 a date w ur hot dad?  
TG: don't worry u dont have to call me mom  
TG: ;)  
GG: Roxy...  
GG: I really do have to go.  
TG: i kno  
GG: Just look after yourself, ok? I worry about you sometimes.  
GG: And I'm still considering this a hoax until I see the evidence.  
TG: youll have the evidence in ur hot little private dick hand as fast as the mail ponies cna tote  
TG: bye janey  
GG: Bye, Roxy. Talk soon!

gutsyGumshoe [GG]  stopped pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

gutsyGumshoe [GG]  is offline!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timeausTestified [TT]

TG: look who fuckin got some ET tail

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent timeausTestified [TT]a picture!

TG: the truth is out there and it is fuckng horny as fuck  
TT: Roxy, that is some impressive photography. I didn't know you'd taken up the hobby.  
TG: dstridez, i am all about photography  
TG: n showin off  
TG: mostly showin off  
TG: but lemme try a lil somethin somethin on you boi  
TT: Try something? What sort of something?  
TG: what is the autoresponder  
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 9X% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.  
TT: Damn it.  
TG: lmao  
TG: hi hal u sweet bb  
TG: look can u just pass that on to dirkie when he gets his attention where it should be?  
TG: ill come back and chat with u later, i pinkie swear  
TG: or u kno u can always hit a grrl up, i'm down for it  
TT: That's what all the girls say when they're speaking to a sweet AI program like myself.  
TG: u r the bestie ai proram hal sweet n ur sweet code brings all the girlz 2 the yard  
TG: liek me!  
TG: i gotta talk 2 jakey now but i promise PINKIE SWEAR ill come back an we'll have a chat

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering timeausTestified [TT]

TT: Roxy, what in the name of actual fuck.  
TT: Very funny, you banged a LARPer. I didn't know they had live action games aimed at the HP Lovecraft crowd.  
TT: Roxy, that is some kind of costume and photo manipulation, isn't it?  
TT: Don't tell me you actually.  
TT: You did, didn't you.  
TT: When you catch some sort of alien STD, I don't want to hear about it, and I'm not going to use HAL to research how to fix it, ok?  
TT: Yeah, we both know that's a lie, I would totally love researching the shit out of that, but I seriously hope you practised some sort of safe fucking sex.  
TT: I'd also like more of the pictures you undoubtedly took of this otherwordly visitation with its pants off and dick out.  
TT: You know.  
TT: For science.

timeausTestified [TT] stopped pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

timeausTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: And stop flirting with the autoresponder. It's creepy to come back to.  
TT: I still don't know how something based on my brain could be even vaguely heterosexual.

timeausTestified [TT] stopped pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

TG: yo jake  
TG: oh shizznuts it's like super late where u are isn't it  
TG: fuck  
TG: ok well  
TG: this is a promise jakey one day i will find u ur blue ladies and you are gonna have the time of ur life  
TG: that is a bonafide roxy promise  
TG: i mean u definitely deserve to have ur world rocked  
TG: and im gonna find a way to give it to u  
GT: Rollicking gadzooks, Roxy!  
GT: And I thought Jane was in a bit of a tizzy with the terse message that she left for me; you seem to be in a bit of a matching spin.  
GT: Also uh, maybe ixnay on the lueblay adieslay. My poor face is heating up like a fucking furnace over here!  
TG: adorable boi  
TG: neway what did janey tell U!  
TG: i was gonna tell u my news myself booooo  
GT: Well, she was in a bit of a fiddlyfucking roil about it! Apparently you've been indulging in activities dangerous to both your physical body and immortal soul.  
TG: well i guess thats one way to put it  
TG: i would call it a fucking good time but ykno janey gonna jane  
GT: Did you honest to Jonathan summon a demon, Roxy? I mean, on the one hand, it sounds downright improbable but on the other, you've done improbable things before.  
TG: ths is totes not a furphy  
TG: besides, he wasnt a demon from liek HELL. hes a bein from the outer reaches of reality  
TG: deffo a differfent thing entirely, its not lik e he was angelus, no bloodsuckin or curses involved  
TG: just an eeny meeny lil summoning circle  
GT: You know, on the one hand Buffy Summers is a feminist icon and general all round role model for young women, but I think you could have left off the sleeping with evil part.  
TG: man i am so much smrter than the buffster  
TG: dont worry jake its totes copacetic  
TG: i made real sure my contract was as super dooper tight as my programming  
TG: an u kno aint nobody does code like rolal  
GT: I guess you make a fair point there!  
TG: also kinda more classic hammer horror liek creature ffrom the black lagoon but u kno like super hot  
TG: and with a reeeal nice deep voice  
GT: You sound pretty enamored...so, I guess it would be a silly thing to ask if you were thinking of inviting him back?  
TG: its a definite possibility, with these hips i cant lie  
GT: I mean, it does sound like an awfully big adventure! And I would never want to hold back anybody from having an adventure, no matter how perilous.  
TG: dont worry jake ill make sure to keep it to just a lil bit of peril  
TG: rolal has the sitch on LOCK  
TG: dont worry ur pretty head  
GT: Well...you sound pretty gosh darn sure, and I guess you would know if anyone would. It's not as though anyone else has managed to reach into the realm of the beyond and pull forth a bed partner.  
GT: And I'd prefer handsome, thank you very much!  
TG: oho, my mistook!  
TG: u dont need to be worried at ALL my handsome guntoting masculine friendo  
TG: everythin is totes sick  
GT: I hope to tarnation that you're correct! I wouldn't want you to be putting yourself in harm's way.  
TG: look  
TG: if anythin bad happens, i'll call dstridez than you n janey  
TG: if anything super bad happens im p sure we're all gonna be fucked anyway so it's all pretty much same same fuckee all day  
GT: Sounds eminently reasonable. Alright, I better get to doing what I was going to do today.  
TG: oh god thats why ur up  
TG: ur an early birdie  
GT: Guilty as charged, I have to admit. The best time to get up and at em is right away, you should know that. Best not to let a skerrick of the day pass you by!  
TG: god  
TG: fuck  
TG: k im gonna bed  
TG: have fun u filthy animal  
GT: Will do, Roxy my bosom pal!  
TG: bluh gbye

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT]


End file.
